Summer Time

As the summer season approaches I get asked a very common question ” Don’t you get hot wearing all those clothes ?” Having never experienced wearing short sleeves outside makes it much easier for me to answer this question . It is similar to someone who has never experienced eating chocolate , they don’t crave it because they have never tasted it . This said however does not mean that we as veiled woman do not wish we could just put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and go outside, I have asked my self what that experience would be like several times .

But what I want to share with you today is how I as Esraa understand and live with my veil during the summer season . Yes we do got hot , yes we cant wait to go home and take our veil off , but every morning when I wear my clothes I think what an amazing test we have to go through every single day and to be tested daily is essential for me because it really makes me reflect and think more often about my veil and my religion .

Imagine you had a test every other day , wouldn’t you put more effort to study and to improve your score? Maybe , some might choose to just forget about it and carry on . But for me being tested on the small details of my life has really made me more disciplined and has created a mechanism for me to always enjoy the little things in life,(especially the air condition which we as veiled women appreciate more than others ! )

Share

I have always been a strong believer that God has a miraculous way in teaching and guiding us in everything we do and recently I learned a valuable lesson about human beings whom never fail to amuse me . I traveled to Serbia last month to speak about my blog at a social media conference called ” Share” . I went there convinced that I was going to be judged , that I was going to be stared upon , I went there as a victim.

I arrived to Serbia and was waiting for the first pair of eyes that would stare at me to further victimize my self . I began counting how many people were staring , I even passed this contagious idea to my friend whom I asked to count with me as well . It wasn’t until the night before my speech when I was rehearsing in front of the mirror that I realized what was going on . This conspiracy theory that was in my head had to stop , I looked straight into the mirror and asked myself ” what are you doing ? ”

In a few hours I was going to be on a stage to tell people how I fought discrimination and how we shouldn’t judge others when in fact that was all I was doing throughout the past week . Before trying to understand my self ( which is an almost impossible job ) I tried to understand why is that these people were starring and I came to the following conclusion: It was only normal that they starred , they haven’t seen a veiled woman in their country for the past 30 years or so , it would be abnormal if they didn’t.

I went on stage the day after and I confessed to what I had been doing and I felt liberated from my self. Sometimes we drown ourselves in our ideas and thoughts which we hold onto so tight and which we refuse to give up. Sometimes we refuse to ” Share” our fears our ideas and and sometimes we refuse to see things from other peoples perspective .

Going to Serbia was Gods way of telling me you have to understand the other and he sent me to a country where I knew little about the other so that I treat them them as humans not as Serbians or as people who were starring . What I learned during my week in Serbia was valuable lesson ” Sharing is not only about us giving it is really about us accepting ”

Tear Drops

Every Thursday we go to the mosque to read a supplication ( Do3a2) called do3a2 Kumaeil . It is a beautiful ritual that I like to call the “cleansing of the soul “. It is almost like reading an inspiring quote that really makes you think except that Do3a2 is like reading a thousand inspiring quotes that make you think on a spiritual level and it is abeautiful source of wisdom. There is some sadness associated with Do3a2 because it reminds us of our sins and that we are not as important and powerful as we really think we are, I call this part of the of the Do3a2 “ The wakeup call“.

I have to confess that I do not always focus and enjoy the do3a2 as much as I would have wanted either because I am tired or occupied with work but I swear that there hasn’t been a time when I left the mosque after Do3a2 not feeling better and this in its self is a blessing.

The last time I was in the mosque there were two ten year old girls sitting next to me and in the middle of the do3a2 I began to cry. The two girls looked at me with amusement and I could hear one of them asking the other “Should we be crying as well? “ Her friend replied by saying that she has no clue “ How should I know , but I guess since everyone is crying we should be crying too “ At that moment I stopped focusing in the do3a2 and all my attention was at these two young girls who were trying to understand and to fit in what was going on. They both started to close their eyes and bow their heads hoping that a tear would drop and every five minutes they would take a sneak peak at each other to see if one them had succeeded in her attempt to cry. After 30 minutes of trying they failed, they looked at me to see if I was still crying and when they saw that I was they came up to me and asked me the most beautiful question “ Is it ok if we didn’t cry?”.

These two girls had put so much effort into respecting the do3a2 and had dedicated an entire hour to sit and listen to something they barely understood and by the end of it all they felt guilty that they did not cry. I was jealous that they had so much concern about something that was not even obligatory in Islam and I envied their pure spirit. I left the mosque that day feeling inspired by these girls. Sometimes we do not fully commit ourselves to reading do3a2 or to praying or to reading Quran but we can learn from those who do. I understood that part of why we go to the mosque is because there will definitely be someone who is fully committed to religion, someone who takes a long time to pray and who reads Quran slowly , someone who cries throughout the do3a someone who can inspire us even if they are 10 years old.

Thirty Nine

Being veiled is part of my identity , it is part of every veiled woman’s identity and we live in a country where this identity is threatened every single day . A veil is not an accessory, it is within us , it is part of us , it is not a bracelet or a necklace showcasing our religious beliefs it is our religious belief.

The truth is that  we are not treated equally and yes we do get rejected from jobs for being veiled . But on 21/3/2012 something alarming happened, the world was able to see this truth on T.V. and in Newspapers because 39 women were rejected from a governmental  job which they were qualified to do because of their veil .

What really matters in this story is not that they were discriminated against because of their veil rather it is the fact that  the story was able to reach the media and this is what truly makes  people think and ask questions. This is crucial in the formation of a public understanding of a controversial topic because only then will we as change-makers be able to act.

The Lebanese public is now aware that yes veiled woman do get discriminated even though this has been happening for years , we are now  more capable of speaking up and having a voice.

When I first the read the news article I knew that I should do something , I was so disturbed and I knew that it was time for change .  I will call these 39 women , I will blog, tweet, write , I will protest if I have to, even if I am on my own. Imagine what this job could have done for these 39 women , imagine their families and how their lives would have changed.

The true problem is not lack of jobs but lack of minds that are steering us away from a community that grows together towards a community that is destroying itself.

 

The Answer to my Prayers

The fact that we are consumed with our daily lives sometimes makes our religious duties part of our daily routine  and we stop enjoying them .They are tasks we must complete before a period of time  and sometimes we might feel that they are a burden . I have felt like this for quite a while and I have struggled in finding answers as to how do I integrate religion into my life ? This question puzzled me and little did I know that I was to find the answer very soon .

In an attempt to free my self from this mentality , I forced my self to put a religious schedule , listen to Islamic lectures etc . At first it was so exciting and gradually the routine would catch up to me and I would have to start all over again. It was really depressing , at days I would feel paralyzed and I would constantly pray to God ” Make me closer to you ” ” Please God make it easy for me to become more religious” .

In a point of my life where I was merely an ” Islamic Robot ”  I traveled to Iran- ( for those of you that do not know ,Iran is considered as a holy land , a place where the graves /shrines of the Holy Prophet’s Grandchildren lie ) going there is a big deal , it is almost as important as going to Mecca although it is not part of our Islamic obligations) .

Unfortunately my intentions at the beginning were not to free from my self from this religious dilemma , instead I was going for business. I was to complete my work, visit the Holy graves and come back . No religious agenda was planned , I was simply going.

The moment where you see the Holy Shrine in Iran , your heart aches and tears will flow on your face whether you are  religious or not there is something magnificent that happens. At that moment I knew that God had answered my prayer , I had not come to Iran for business, God was bringing me closer to him as I had requested from him for so long. I was there , this was my chance and I was determined to live this religious journey .

We had a Sheik with us and we had a religious program that we followed . It was exhausting yet beautiful and I was beginning to feel that spirituality I had been longing for for years. Praying with thousands of Muslims , reading Quraan with so many people , the humming sound of people praying god  that you hear as you enter the shrine brought warmth to my heart .

I left Iran after 7 days , I was on the road to change and in my final prayer at the Shrine, I realized that I had found the answer to my puzzling question ” How do I integrate religion into my life ? ” The answer was that you don’t , You integrate Your life into religion. Because that is how I was living for the past 7 days .

Religious journeys are not for Muslims or Christians or Sunni or Shiaa , they are for Humanity because we are born with questions and we are looking for reassurances, we are looking for Faith  . And if you are ever lost or in doubt pray to God and he will answer .

I was lost , I am still lost but I have found my key –  I pray to God that you find yours.

With all my love and Prayers ,

Esraa

 

A Holiday for All

Holidays are magnificent , they have their own clothes, food, rituals, spirit . I love them and I’m pretty sure everyone else does . But have you ever asked yourself what other religions do on their holidays , how they do things , what do they eat and why they celebrate them . I don’t know anything about the holidays of other religions ( Except Christmas ) but even that , there are so many important details which I have no clue about .

Each year the Muslims in Lebanon get a day off for the Christian Holidays and vice versa , I think the least we can do is ask ourselves what it is our friends are celebrating .

This blog post  is an attempt to know more about : Christmas , Eid Mar Maroun , Easter , Armenian Christmas – you name it . So please if you know anything about these Holidays or have seen any one celebrating them , please write about it , tell me about the little details of why and how they are celebrated . I am eager to know . In return I will share with you how we celebrate our holidays in upcoming posts.

Lets keep the Holiday spirit alive !

Esraa

The Curious Mind of Serena

Not long ago I visited my Christian friend in her home , I was welcomed by her 3 year old niece ( Serena) who according to my friend does not say hello to everyone . We talked and ate and I started to play with Srlena and 20 minutes later we were best of friends – so to speak . A few minutes later , she comes up to me and asks me ” What is that thing on your head ?” pointing to my veil with amusement . I laughed and suddenly my brain froze , how was I supposed to explain the veil to a 3 year old who had just seen it for the first time ? I started with the ” God tells me to wear my veil ” and I could  see confusion in her eyes – who was I kidding , how could she possibly understand , then I told her  ” Well you see my hair is so long that I need to wear this so that it doesn’t fall . I started to make more  things up , and I could still see confusion. Selena asked a question and she wanted an answer . But little did I know that she already knew the answer .

After several failing attempts to explain the veil to her , Serena took my hand and walked me to the living room where there was a picture of her mom on her wedding day wearing the ” white veil ” that all brides wear . Selena looked at me and said ” You are like my mom , she is wearing a white veil and you are wearing a red veil ”  She looked at me and smiled and I knew she had understood and accepted me . Sometimes all it takes is a question and a small gesture of kindness because as we grow older we forget to ask and we are quick to judge .

Maintain a curious mind and you will live a life full of answers. Thank you Serena .

With all my prayers ,

Esraa

Exploring the Unknown

My first job was as a sales woman here in Beirut . I was so excited , I had been looking for a job for quite a while and I was ready to start a new adventure . My employer was an Armenian and was a very social outgoing and interesting person . This was the first time I had met someone who was Armenian and I really wanted to learn about their culture, food , their beliefs but at the same time I wanted to stay professional and not ask too many questions . During my job interview with him we better understood each others cultures , since it was  a sales job this was necessary in order for him to know  what is acceptable for me and what was not .

I enjoyed working in this company and part of the job was driving to new places in Lebanon which was something I loved . My employer predicted that I would focus on areas I was familiar with ” my area” instead I went to ” his area ” I went to Asharfieh , Borj Hammoud , Sin il Fil , and started to sign contracts. It was such a wonderful cultural experience .

Sometimes we are taught to stay with our own people , work with those who are like you – but is that how we grow as human beings , is that how we truly become part of society . In the one year I worked in this company , I learned about different areas in Lebanon , I felt that that I was exposed to a totally new culture and I was sad that it had took me so long .

Put yourself in situations that you are not familiar with , explore the unknown . Get in your car and get lost in Beirut you never know where it might take you . I was once lost in Ashrafieh and stopped to ask an old man where to go , I pulled over and said ” 3afwan Haj ” then I fixed it up and said ” Pardon ” . He laughed  and said ” It seems you are not from around here “

Explore the unknown and you will explore yourself !

At the age of 9

I wore my veil when I was 9 years old  and when people know that they look at me feeling sorry   , saying things like ”  oh but that’s too young ” and for some people who are reading this, I am pretty  sure you said the same.

The truth is ,  at the age of 9 my Family had just returned to Lebanon after living 9 years in America   , I was wearing shorts , riding a bike and spoke Arabic with an American accent . I was happy , I was in my hometown  and I was 9 .

It took me two days to realize that all of my young  cousins and friends who were just as old as me and sometimes younger where all veiled . The concept of the  veil was not new  to me , my mom , aunt , grandma and all of the female figures in my life where veiled , but in America I did not have any young friends who were veiled . Seeing all these young veiled girls was something I easily understood , because growing up in my family we were taught that girls wear the veil at the age of 9 . I started to weigh my potions  ” riding a bike wearing shorts vs new clothes , cool veil and lots of friends ” .

It didn’t take me  a lot of time to realize that I wanted to be part of that community, that what I wanted  to be veiled like all my other friends , not because I was so religious , or because it was the right thing to do , I wore it simply because my friends wore it . As simple as it may seem being in the right place at the right time was why I wore my veil . My parents never pressured me to wear a veil  , they simply educated me  on what a veil is . Some might argue that a veil is big issue and the decision to wear it should not be so haphazard , but you know what , why not ? Why can’t it be haphazard , why does everything have to be reasoned out and understood . I knew what wearing a veil meant and I was not venturing into an unknown world .

 

And when I made up my mind and ran to my mom screaming ” baddi it7ajab ”  she looked at me and said if you wear it now will you ever take it off ? I paused and asked her ” Are you ever going to take it off  mama? ” she said no, well I will never take it off either I said . And that is how I wore my veil .

Today I have truly learned why I am veiled , I understand my veil , I love my veil . A lot of people might argue that you should only wear it when you are convinced and truly understand why you have to wear it and to they might be right but  this is what I have learned over the 13 years that I have been veiled.

As we grow up we become more complicated , we loose our simplicity , our purity and hence it becomes harder for us to accept new things into our lives , we over think things and forget the true essence of things . When you are young – 9 years old to be exact you are at your purest simplest and most beautiful state of mind and it is then that you can embrace new things the most.

I thank God that I was blessed with parents who educated me , a community that supported me and a veil that I wear proudly every single day .

Esraa

The Confessions of a Veiled Woman

I started this blog to raise awareness about the discrimination that I as a veiled woman face. I thought I was targeting the general public but after two or three posts I witnessed  an amazing phenomena . While writing the posts  I realized how much I reflected and learned about my self and I realized that sometimes I was not practicing what I was preaching . And after my last blog I realized that sometimes I discriminate and judge people and I rarely pay attention . It was only until I started this blog that I truly realized that this was happening .

I have decided to take corrective action , and this post is just a beginning . It was very difficult for me to admit it , that yes sometimes I favor people because they are ” like me ”  . I realized this the most when I am part of a group , I immediately scan people to see  who it is I will get along with the most because of our religious similarities and I have always been wrong.

I would like to apologize from anyone whom I ever labeled , judged or discriminated against even if it is in the slightest way. For one it is unethical , not right and is simply something a veiled muslim woman should not do .

Islam and life have taught me to always have a good opinion about people  and I promise myslef from this day on to treat everyone equally , with love and respect and no discrimination .

Esraa